I Like Unavailable… I Think?

Yall get two posts since I missed a few weeks.

I lurvvvvvvv thinking of the what ifs and possibilities of what could happen. The only thing is, they actually never happen. Like the possibility of being with somebody is actually greater than being with them, in my head. But the thing is I don’t actually know what it's like to be with someone and I think I like it that way. Idk if it's the rush of emotions I get when I like someone or the highs and lows of having a crush and then losing it. 

I have picked up books on love to try and understand and make some logical sense of it all, and every time I end up with nothing. Maybe I’m not emo enough but I think I have always prioritized my success over love, not realizing that love can be a part of that success. 

It’s like the thrill of the chase is more exciting than the catch. There’s something SICKENING about the idea of someone—of what could be if circumstances were different, if the timing was right if they were just a little more available. The fantasy becomes this perfect, untouchable version of reality that never gets messy or complicated because it never actually happens. And maybe that’s the whole point.

When you like someone who’s unavailable, you get to hold on to this idealized version of them. You don’t have to deal with the flaws or the mundane parts of a real relationship. Instead, you get to stay in that space where everything is possible, where they’re everything you’ve imagined them to be. It’s a safe way to feel something intense without the risk of getting hurt—because in your head, you’re in control of the narrative. I’ve been realizing as much as I hate being in charge of things, I love control.

But I wonder sometimes if that’s just a way for me to avoid something real. It’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of something that feels just out of reach. It keeps you from having to face the reality of actually being with someone, with all the vulnerabilities, compromises, and imperfections that come with it. I don’t want someone to get to know me, all of my mushy gushy. Sadly I know I keep everyone at a distance but I just don’t want someone to see me and then decide to move on to the next person. Maybe it’s easier to keep liking someone who’s unavailable because, deep down, you’re not really ready to be with anyone at all (Auntie loves her time to herself and not dealing with anybody).

There’s comfort in the unattainable, which I like, in knowing that nothing will come of it so you can safely dream without the risk of disappointment. But at some point, you have to ask yourself if you’re holding on to the idea of someone just to avoid the real thing. Are you chasing an illusion because it’s easier than facing the unknown of a real relationship (Look at me clocking my own tea)?

Liking unavailable people lets you stay in that sweet spot of longing, of wanting without ever having to deal with the consequences of getting what you want. But maybe, just maybe, it’s worth stepping out of that comfort zone and seeing what happens when you stop chasing the impossible and start embracing the real (I don’t feel like foolishness right now but if someone who isn't foolish comes along I might speak….).

Anyways, back to the realities of life and a job. See ya in 2 weeks.

Miss 20 Something <3